Let's Talk Turkey
by Pwale
Summary: Due to Lord Voldemort's horrid eyesight, he makes a fatal mistake that costs him his life, and his credibility as a villain! Oneshot, read and review please! Parody


**Sighs over the two reviews so far. "Ah!" Pwale says sadly. "What fools! They should have been warned when they saw the parody! Is it possible that people shall be upset by my making fun of our beloved series? So sad! So sad!"**

**Anyway, corrections made!**

Welcome one and welcome all!

Welcome indeed to Pwalefriend's first Harry Potter fic.

(Insert evil grin here)

As you can see, it's a parody. And in this parody I shall mention several things that I've always wanted to yell at the characters. Now, regarding my mention of literature, among the books I'd _love_ to force our beloved Harry Potter to read are A Picture of Dorian Gray, Lord of the Rings and Hamlet. After those, if he didn't shut up about being a Chosen One, I'd have to hurt him.

Anyways-

_Mr. X: Oh my god, will you shut up already?_

_Harry: Eh? Who's this new evil author?_

_Inuyasha: YOU FOOL!!! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!_

_Pwale: Too late…The door is shut…YOU HAVE STUMBLED MINDLESSLY INTO MY LAIR!!!! YOU ARE NOW MINE!!!!_

_(Numerous anime characters wave at Harry Potter from where they are chained to the living room wall)_

_Harry: …Erm…What's he doing up there? (Points to Sesshomaru who is being forced to have an upside-down tea party with Al. Pwale smiles happily)_

_Pwale: He tried to tear up the marriage contract I tricked him into signing._

_Previous readers of Pwale's work: GET ON WITH IT!!!_

_New Harry Potter readers: …What the hell is this?_

_(Pwale smiles, completely oblivious)_

_Mr. X: Sigh. Sorry 'bout her, mates. We have no idea what's wrong with her and we can't do a thing about it. We don't own the characters._

_Pwale: Hey! I wanted to say that!_

…

_**Let's Talk Turkey**_

It was a normal full moon for the Death Eaters. It was midnight, and their wonderful leader, Lord Voldemort (a.k.a. The Dark Lord) had called them for a ritual sacrifice because he had unearthed, in some dusty old basement that belonged to some silly old codger he'd just killed, another bogus spell to make him immortal. Stupid things never worked, but Lord Voldemort was determined that _someday_, he would have his immortality.

Unfortunately the two sacrifices were not behaving as proper sacrifices should, and, as would become an even bigger problem, the sacrifice was in the Dursley's back yard.

"You know," one of the stupid Muggles was saying to the other as Lord Voldemort chanted. "I'd be a lot less bothered by this if he were, oh, say a terrorist who was killing us because he actually believed that it was for the good of all."

"I know what you mean." Said the other Muggle, nodding. "Something a little more righteous, a little less human."

Lord Voldemort broke off in his in his chanting to glare at them. "I am _not_ human." He snapped. The two Muggles snorted.

"Obviously _someone_ didn't do their _English Homework_." Sneered the first Muggle. The second one chuckled.

Lord Voldemort ignored them and continued with his chanting.

"But really," said the second Muggle. "Let's talk turkey here, have you read that newest book by _Smith Jones_?"

"Oh!" Said the first Muggle. "That one with the dead guy and then the detective got a partner that was really good looking?"

"Yeah! That one!"

"Right up there with Alfred Hitchcock, that one was."

"Oh, have you ever seen Rear Window?"

"Absolutely love it darling. Say, what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, I'm at a dinner theater."

"Really? So am I!"

"What's your stage name? Perhaps of heard of you!"

"People like to call me Margie Margaret."

"Myself, I'm Ivy Izzie."

And so the annoying yammering went on and on and on and on. Because you see, Lord Voldemort had the eyesight of a snake. And as such couldn't actually see anything. In the end, what he _thought_ were two young teenaged girls, were in fact two really stereotypical middle-aged drag queens.

Finally, Lord Voldemort couldn't take any more and to be perfectly honest, the chanting wasn't getting him anywhere.

"Will the two of you _SHUT UP_!!!"

"Well, now that's just plain old rude!" Gasped Margie Margaret. "I don't think I'm that willing to be sacrificed after that!" Ivy Izzie nodded her agreement. Lord Voldemort gaped at them.

"It's a sacrifice!" He screamed. "You don't have a bloody choice!"

"Nonsense. I always have a choice." Ivy Izzie informed the Dark Lord smartly. The Death Eaters, nearby, were all very confused about what was going on, but they remained silent and just sulked around in their masks and dark cloaks like they always did. "It's part of my rights as a human being, don't you know!"

"Oh, don't I though!" Margie Margaret said. "People always forget!"

Lord Voldemort was probably going to curse them at that point, since he took out his wand and was bloody furious, but funnily enough, at that exact moment a very large and very strong body happened to crash out of the Dursley's house and barrel into Lord Voldemort, snapping his wand and taking off in the other direction, howling. An awkward silence followed as the entity skittered out of sight.

"What was _that_?" Ivy Izzie said. "A hairless lion?"

"No." Margie Margaret said thoughtfully. "I think it was a werewolf."

"A werewolf? Really?"

"Really."

"I didn't know they existed!"

"Well you know what they say, pumpkin. You learn knew things every day!"

"Ain't it just so true!"

"Lupin!" Suddenly a young boy that we all know and love, who we like to call Harry Potter, the Idiot Who Lived, (What? It's really the Boy Who Lived? Huh. Well, you know what they say, pumpkins) appeared in the big gaping hole that Remus Lupin, werewolf and all-around great guy, had made in Harry's aunt and uncle's living room wall.

"Lupin!" Harry shouted again. "Stop running away! You need to take your stupid potion, you silly…a-lot-stronger-and-bigger-then-me-hairless-canine…thing…"

"…Can't come up with any better insults to shout at the werewolf, Potter!" Lord Voldemort (who, without his wand, couldn't really do anything else) snapped. Harry blinked.

"What the hell are you lot doing in the garden?" He demanded.

"We're holding a ritual sacrifice, so you'd better run!" Lord Voldemort yelled, and then jumped up and down, waving his hands in the air and screaming "Voodoo!" Apparently, when his wand had snapped, he completely lost what little grasp on reality he had left.

"Oh _no_ we're _not_." Margie Margaret snapped, as she and Ivy Izzie got up to leave. "We told you! After you were so rude to us, we're damned if we're going to let a fool like you sacrifice divas like _us_!"

"Besides!" Harry shouted, angrily crossing his arms. The Death Eaters were slowly starting to politely vanish into thin air through numerous methods, quite a few simply walking away. "You can't do that here!"

"Why not?" Lord Voldemort whined.

"Because!" Harry snapped. "I'm the Chosen One and I say so!"

"What does being a Chosen One have to do with it?" Margie Margaret asked, confused.

"Apparently the poor boy's never read an ounce of literature in his life." Ivy Izzie said sadly. "Honey bunch," she addressed Harry. "I've been a Chosen One at least six times, and you never hear me going on about it! If you keep it up, in the end, that silly man will turn out to be your mother, so shush darling."

"And little boys shouldn't play with sharp sticks!" Margie Margaret said waspishly, swooping down and whisking away Harry's wand. "Tsk tsk!" And with that, the two new bosom-buddies left.

Margie Margaret and Ivy Izzie went on in life to become the two greatest drag queens to ever hit the gay dinner and theater bars. Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter, on the other hand, battered each other to death with watering pots and garden hoses that night. And in the morning Dudley Dursley, who had an amazing talent for agriculture that went undiscovered for his entire life (a very sad loss for the world, I can assure you) turned them into a new and wonderful type of fertilizer that the silly fool forgot to patent and so, instead, that-best-friend-of-his-that-looks-like-a-rat got the credit instead.

And Remus Lupin broke a lot of walls in his life, and later became a wizarding demolitionist.

_**The End**_

…

_Pwale looks around excitedly. _

"_So? How was it!"_

_Harry Potter is now pounding desperately at the door trying to escape. If you want him to get out, you must review. And if you don't want him to get out, you still have to review, because if you don't my Review Lion will come and eat you._

…

_Please review?_

…

_Sincerely_

_Pwalefriend_

_**A Note Regarding Flames:**_

_**Okay, I don't mind flames, sometimes. What I DO mind is (and I quote) people saying things like "Don't quite your day job."**_

**_You don't like my story, goody. Please, tell me what you didn't like, what you found confusing, tell me if you think my concept is stupid and that the description sucks and my plot lines are out of whack, but please. Don't insult me, it's stupid and ridiculous, and _I_ know ridiculous_**.

_**Flame the story, if you must flame. But come on people, if you didn't like it do you really feel the need to insult me? **_

_**(Thinks)**_

_**So, here, if you flame. Say SPECIFICALLY about the story what you didn't like.**_

_**OR leave an account or an e-mail or something, so that I can ASK you what you didn't like. I really do want to improve my writing, and I'd have to really suck to write bad parodies.**_

…

_**(Certain previous readers of Pwale's work would like to point out that her one-shots have a tendency to get flamed)**_

_**(Pwale tells certain previous readers to shut up)**_


End file.
